There has been so much written about this worthy subject. And there are soooo many books on the subject, plus a bewildering array of seminars, courses, specialists, counsellors, etc etc available.
Including those specialists who arrange a weekend away for a group of married couples at some retreat, where marriage is discussed ... some weekends ending up with a repeat of their actual marriage ceremony, taking of vows etc … most helpful to rekindle the spark of ones marriage !
But as I get older, I observe those sincere and admirable couples whose marriages come under stress, and I have finally thought to pen some observations and tips, mainly from my own painful experiences through our 50 years of marriage, that may be of some help to others along the way.
Many fairy stories and romance stories end up with the words “and they got married and lived happily ever after” …. but unfortunately its not always so !
I recall hearing of a survey in the USA of marriages that had ended in divorce, and the % of such divorces was almost the same in those 'Christian' couples and those who weren't … a fascinating statistic that simply says that ALL couples meet the same stresses, whether Christian or not ! So, we are all human and encounter the same marriage stresses and relating problems. In fact I have also heard that some cultures with their 'arranged marriages' by their parents have a better % of success, and fewer divorces … which can tell us something interesting – more later.
So … some observations accumulated over 50 years of marriage … and that not always having been 'bliss'
The first observation is the one that says that Marriage is and was ordained of God. He. God performed the very first marriage.
So, Marriage is a divine 'institution'.
BUT ... and there's always a 'but' … the saying goes that marriages should be made in heaven before they are made on earth. Very true and often overlooked or forgotten about.
To seek and find Gods choice of partner for us is the most important ingredient in any marriage. Some people rush into marriage with unsuited partners which produce problems and stress only … but these by observations can still be made to work – consider again those 'arranged marriages' where romance and 'love' has not been present initially.
And this leads to a first observation of my own experience … and my wife and I had colossal problems in our first year of marriage … even after being absolutely assured that we were right for each other, and that we had Gods blessing on our choice and our marriage. For me, it was the realisation that now that I was married, that my wife would see me as I really was - and that some of my attitudes and habits would HAVE TO CHANGE ! And that thought was not pleasant to have to face.
What got me through our first difficult year of marriage was the simple fact that we both knew that God had definitely brought us together, and, for me, that I would have to answer to Him if I bailed out. Several times I felt really 'backed into a corner'. I looked backwards, downwards, sideways and all around, and then eventually and humbling remembered to look UPWARDS, and so persevered through that time.
And this is the first simple way through difficulties … the determination to simply MAKE IT WORK through any and ALL problems … not to take the easy way out as so many do … but to STICK AT IT
Before this modern age, I recall hearing several times that when a marriage encountered stress, and one partner returned home to Mum, that they were met with the words – YOU MARRIED HIM (or HER) GET BACK THERE AND SORT IT OUT … WORK AT IT
So STICK-ABILITY is the very first essential ingredient … the determination that I and we will work through our problems WHATEVER IT TAKES !
That divorce is NOT AN OPTION, no matter how much humbling will be involved on my part.
There was a vital tip heard … from evangelist Billy Graham many decades ago now
THERE ARE 6 WORDS THAT WILL SAVE A N Y MARRIAGE
and those 6 powerful words are ...
I WAS W R O N G …. I AM S O R R Y !
that are sooooo hard to utter sometimes, but so necessary so often
The ability to accept that I WAS WRONG, and not to accuse or blame the other person. To take the first step towards reconciliation … and so hard for a mans ego especially, but once learned and practiced it becomes easier.
PRIDE, damned P R I D E, the EGO, that has to be learned to be put down and overcome !
In our / my case I think that SORRY is the most common word that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis … and has helped save my own marriage on countless occasions.
Then there is perhaps the biggest lesson I have ever learned in marriage and life.
That WE CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON -- ONLY O U R S E L V E S
And the accompanying lesson, that is we will CHANGE OURSELVES and concentrate on doing just that, then God will change the other person in His own way and in His own time.
So, LEAVE CHANGING THE OTHER PERSON to GOD – just to pay attention to changing our own ways, and stand back and watch for results !
So HANDS OFF trying to change our partners.
In fact I perceive that many people go into marriage with an unspoken inner thought … “just wait till we get married and I get my hands on them – that I WILL CHANGE THEM around to what I would like them to be” … and that this unspoken thought eventually and inevitably leads to TROUBLE as ourselves try to make it happen, and we get stressed when we cant make it happen.
As that other person thinks … YOU MARRIED ME AS I WAS, WARTS AND ALL
you knew what I was like, and that's what you married ! and so resists that desire to be changed into what their partner considers as the ideal partner.
So, if we CHANGE ourselves, and concentrate on that alone, then and usually only then will the other person change for the better.
Allied with this aspect is the realisation that our partner cannot satisfy my own personal spiritual needs. The impact of this can be colossal when 'the penny drops'.
We must be connected to Jesus the vine OURSELVES. This is between God and us alone. We are responsible for our own spiritual state and growth – alone.
Encouragement, support, sharing are all good, but each person needs to seek Gods blessings for themselves, while praying for their partner the while.
The old adage PRAY TOGETHER STAY TOGETHER is absolutely valid.
(In recent years my wife and I share communion most mornings together, which we have found to be a good way to start the day off.)
Another realisation … that many marriage problems are simply over ... M O N E Y
How much the other person SPENDS, and what on ?
That this can and often does build up into a colossal problem.
The financial issue must be faced and decided upon – there is no rule as to who looks after the family finances - one is better that the other – traditionally it is the MAN, but not always so !
In some marriages the woman has the better skills in this regard – or has the more time.
The bank account, or accounts plural - separate, or shared (as ours are)
Whatever works for each individual marriage case. But it needs to WORK and be acceptable to each and both persons.
And … importantly … each person needs some money for themselves … at their own discretion … and whatever they please to do with it
Many people in de-facto arrangement enter it have a PRE-NUPTIAL AGGREEMENT
but this is generally about pre-marriage assets rather than daily and routine expenditure.
And perhaps an unusual observation – that Romance fades along the way (especially as children come along the way, and nappies appear) , as eventually does ones appearance, as aging - warts and wrinkles - occurs.
And so, in most good marriages the partners end up as FRIENDS !
Simply GOOD FRIENDS who have similar interests, philosophy, outlook on life,
who knows each others likes and dislikes, and fit together … who have worked through their individual differences, have met in the middle somewhere, somehow,
WHO HAVE NEGOTIATED THEIR DIFFERENCES and learned to adjust to each other and their idiosyncrasies.
Another aspect … Not to let IN-LAWS become OUT-LAWS ... when we find out that we have actually married a tribe !
And not to be scared to seek advice, even from professional counsellors if needs be, there's no shame in this … people do it all the time for all the other facets of life … you go to a doctor for medical reasons, so why not for marital reasons .. we did once !
And other (older ?) married friends are great to have for a chat about things that are common to all marriages.
For me … the most influential thing in making our marriage work, for me anyways.
The thought that … if a visitor arrived at our home – how would I treat them ? how would I greet them? how would I speak to them?
And if I treated a visitor that way, WHY then SHOULD I SPEAK TO OR TREAT MY OWN WIFE ANY LESS !
For me this was a powerful thought that persists, and keeps me RESPECTFUL of her
both IN PUBLIC AND IN PRIVATE (and which other people and family have noticed and occasionally commented on !)
To be the same to each other both in public and private - there should be NO DIFFERENCE ... before the children and before the public !
MARRIAGE a marvelous institution, and so worthwhile !
And a word to the men … this idea that “Man is the head of the home, so what I says goes” … how this religious chauvinistic attitude can badly influence and blight a marriage.
Marriage is a team effort ! The 2 shall be one !
Men used to refer to their wife in times past, as 'the better half' in acknowledgment of this fact.
Sure, many important decisions need to be made through life's journey, but only after discussion, and finding out who has the best judgment and savvy on a topic.
So men … watch out for that dominating religious and chauvinistic attitude that can seriously blight a relationship.
Paddy had been aware that he wasn’t the best husband in the world, so when a friend advised him that he needed to be more assertive in his marriage, he went straight home and told Maggie that he was “the head of the house”
Well, he didn’t see her for some time …….
After 3 days, he could see her just a little out of his left eye !
have you heard about the chap who was married 4 times
when asked what happened to his wives he said that the first 2 both died of mushroom poisoning !
“what about your 3rd wife ?”
“oh she died of a broken neck”
“well, she wouldn't eat the mushrooms”
There's an old saying goes HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE.
and in a marriage learn to keep our EYES OPEN and our MOUTH SHUT
we cant LIFT another UP by PULLING THEM D O W N
sharp critical words damage and hurt anothers self esteem devastatingly
in PRIVATE watch our THOUGHTS
in the HOME watch our WORDS
in PUBLIC watch our ACTIONS
KEEP COMMUNICATING ! some one has to start it each time there are 'hiccups'
(In our case – invariably my wife ! )
And watch for that time or weekend away … without the Kids
And become FRIENDS along the way
Ever noticed how some couples even grow to look alike after many years together !
Bless you both heaps as you stick at it, work at it
for marriage is a great and blessed institution
and way better than the alternative !
